


To Invite Madness

by Slenderlock



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky has a nightmare, Happy Ending, M/M, The Winter Soldier isn't quite as gone as Bucky would like him to be, The violence is shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2014-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-19 08:37:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1462834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slenderlock/pseuds/Slenderlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set months after the events of The Winter Soldier, Bucky is living with Steve happily, recovering. It isn't until a nightmare strikes that he realizes just how far he still has to go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Invite Madness

_The Winter Soldier sleeps on._

_"Soldier," says a voice. He remembers it vaguely, an authority. An order. He must obey this voice, it is imperative. The paramount concern is order. He must obey this voice. He must obey this voice. The man does not move. The voice repeats, insistent. "Soldier, wake up. Remember your mission." Mission._

_The Winter Soldier's eyes open. The comfort of the bed does not resonate in him any more than the possibility of rain that the next day will bring. He rises, knowing in his mind what he is to do. His mission, his mission. Captain America, the star spangled man. He is to eliminate Captain America at all costs. He remembers trying and failing, and cold fury burns. The Winter Soldier does not fail, he has never failed. He remembers hesitating, listening to the man speak, but he does not remember the words. He remembers retreating, but does not know why. It is of no consequence now._

_The Winter Soldier's feet are silent along the carpeted floor. The cabinet opens noiselessly and the gun is chosen. It is small, simple, will not take long to fire. He loads it with practiced movements and turns. On the bed, the man still sleeps. He grips it and aims. Pulls the trigger._

_One, two, three, four, five six._

_The man's body jolts with every shot, but when the round is empty he does not stir. The Winter Soldier, mission completed, returns to bed, gun still held loosely in his hand._

o0O0o

Bucky Barnes wakes to a cold sweat- he's wet, why is he wet- the sheets, oh god, they're covered in blood-

Steve-

_Steve_.

Bucky flings himself off the bed, legs collapsing underneath his body. He can't have done this. He doesn't _remember_ doing this-

But he does. He remembers the dream, the orders. He remembers getting up from bed, finding the gun in the closet. He remembers- oh _god_ \- he remembers gunning Steve down, not even recognizing him. Bucky crawls back up onto the bed so much blood and clutches Steve to his chest, arms shaking. His hair is still perfect, lightly messed from bed, his eyes still closed. It was as if he'd never woken up at all. Bucky buries his face into Steve's hair and howls, and cries and sobs and can't breathe because he can not have done this, he can not have murdered Steve Rogers, the little punk, the kid from Brooklyn.

The door to their bedroom is flung open. Natasha Romanov and Tony Stark both burst in but stop short at the sight before them. Bucky hears one of them take a breath but he doesn't want to hear what they have to say. Steve is dead. Steve is dead because of him and there is nothing any of them can do about it. Guilt, raging harder than anything he's ever felt, stronger than the fear in the army, stronger than the rage he'd felt towards the damn scientists, stronger than the urge to protect that skinny little bastard from Brookyln, floods him, and he can almost no longer bear to hold Steve close. He doesn't deserve to-

"Bucky?"

The voice is neither of theirs. He can't recognize it. He clutches Steve still tighter in his arms, unwilling to let go.

"Bucky, come on. You're scaring me."

Bucky shakes his head, burrowing his nose into Steve's blonde hair.

"Bucky, please. Come on, open your eyes. For me?"

Bucky opens his eyes.

Steve looks at him with eyes filled with worry.

"Bad dream?" he hazards.

With a weak sort of whimper, Bucky flings himself forward and clutches Steve as hard as he can and begins to sob relentlessly, trembling all over. Steve just holds him, saying nothing, making sure he's safe. When at last Bucky can breathe again, Steve's grip loosens and Bucky looks him in the eyes with his own bloodshot ones.

"Was it the labs?" Steve asks.

Bucky shakes his head, not really able to speak. His throat is tighter than it ever has been.

"A memory?"

Another shake of the head.

Bucky opens his mouth, and closes it. Opens, closes.

"Hey, hey, shh." Steve presses a kiss to his temple. "Don't talk if you don't want to."

But he does, he wants to talk. He needs to know that it wasn't real.

"I," he says, and guilt begins to flood through him again. "I... I didn't mean to," he pleads.

"You didn't," Steve assures him.

"But I didn't mean to," Bucky presses, unable to articulate exactly what he means.

"I believe you," Steve says. "I believe you, Bucky. I trust you."

"I didn't mean to," Bucky whimpers. Steve's fingers run through his hair and he feels tears welling up. "It was- I thought- you-"

"Me?"

Bucky nods.

"What about me?"

"You were..." Bucky trembles against Steve, who holds him close again.

"Dead?" Steve guesses.

Bucky can only manage a soft sound. Steve apparently guesses at the rest, because he begins soothing him gently, running fingers though his hair, shushing quietly.

"I trust you, Buck," he murmurs. "I trust you. You wouldn't do that, I know you wouldn't. It's been long enough, I trust you."

"I don't trust me." Bucky's voice is muffled by Steve's shirt, but both of them ignore that for now. "It was... like before. I forgot you. I got- I got up and then I just... Steve, I just gunned you down. I didn't think, I didn't recognize- I'm sorry, I didn't- I- I didn't mean to, I'm sorry-"

"Hey, hey, hey." Steve cuts off his nervous babbling and looks him in the eye. "It was just a bad dream. I promise, all right? I promise. You'd never do that, not now. The past is in the past." And Bucky thinks with irony how they're both from the 1940's living in the present, Steve has no right to tell him that the past is in the past but he ignores it for now. "I said it before and I'll say it now. I trust you."

Bucky nods mutely.

"We should both get some sleep," Steve says, kissing his forehead. "I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."

It shouldn't be like this. Bucky's the one who's supposed to be comforting him. Steve's not supposed to do this. Steve's supposed to be small and skinny and asthmatic and Bucky's supposed to take care of him. Bucky isn't supposed to be the one with arms wrapped around him, soothing words in his ears.

But maybe, just for now, he can be.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't end it like that I mean come on
> 
> Title comes from this quote: “You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control.” -Megan Chance


End file.
